I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
