dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
