I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
