we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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