Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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