maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
