I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
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