a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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