I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize
