I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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