She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
