Pregnant stripper...not hot.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
