Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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