never play flip cup with pint glasses
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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