Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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