Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
there's paper in my vomit.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
