Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
