She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
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you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
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Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I want to be your penis for a week.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...