I wish I could teleport
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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