Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
