If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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