I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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