he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
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