So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
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I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
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cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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