Jerry, you need to find god
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
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