So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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