Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Randomize
