Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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