Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
be right there i have to get my cape
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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