the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
