His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
