how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
