I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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