Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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