I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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