Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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