at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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