Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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