My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
