chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
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The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
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I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
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