I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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