I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
