I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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