I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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