When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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