It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
