He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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