I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
