Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I just want to make out with him forever
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
