well I can't set my house on fire every night
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
