had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
