True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
