You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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