I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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