Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
