my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
