I can tuck mytits in my pants
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
