Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
