Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
