jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
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