god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
foreskin is a definite game changer
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
