How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
