it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
