I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
