how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
